On Bravery and Creativity.

"We put our art out for others to see like laundry on the line. We expose ourselves to the core. It takes great courage to be an artist." 

- Gwen Fox

I've been trying to put myself out there more often recently. As a person, a friend, and as a theatre artist, educator, and practitioner. Tonight, in my Acting/Directing Styles class, we had to do an Autotheatre project, which required us to take 15-20 lines of verse (from anything) and bring them to life.

I chose to use the lyrics from "If You Could Come Back Home" by William Fitzsimmons, and made it about the end of my last relationship. It was something I needed to do for about fifty different reasons, but mostly to say goodbye to him and just let it all go. And I did. The piece let me bare my soul in ways I haven't been able to in the past couple of months, maybe years. And now a weight has lifted from me that I've been ready to get rid of. So, farewell to that.

But I have to say that the work of my classmates, peers, and friends was truly outstanding. The way that each of them were able to turn simple words (like the lyrics to a Sara Bareilles song, or "The Road Not Taken,") and make them alive, and - more importantly - personal. Each of the other thirteen pieces were able to transport me, as an audience member and an artist, to a new plane, a new dimension, and a new reality. The parts of their lives that they were able to admit and profess, were incredibly moving.

I want to be more courageous. And I think this - my last semester - will help me do just that.

On The Job Hunt

Since returning from my theatre Fest last week, I have begun the insane process of job hunting for after I graduate. My roommates think I'm crazy. All three of them are former graduates of this program, and one of them - yes one - is working regularly in theatre right now. One of the others has some irregular theatre work, and one hasn't stepped foot in a theatre for work since last July.

I know too many graduates of this program just sitting around Philadelphia not working in theatre, and that's not okay with me. I will not become part of them. I cannot let myself. I have a passion. I have a drive. And I will do whatever it takes to become a functioning member of the larger theatre society. Not just in Philadelphia. I am ready to go anywhere it takes.

Now I just have to prove it to the places I'm applying...

The Theatre of Happy Endings

Somebody once told me about a project their student theatre group did, called the "Theatre of Happy Endings," in which they took classic tragedies and gave them happy endings. Like Oedipus - instead of blinding himself imposing self-banishment upon himself, they found a way to keep Oedipus in the town.

Well, that's kind of what I'm trying to do with my life right now - not that I'm expecting my life to turn into a tragedy, rather, I'm preventing it from becoming one. This, here, NOW, I need to make my life better, happier, more likely to succeed.

It's not easy for me, not at all. Because, when I was younger, I thought my life would turn out to be like Friends or Sex and the City or something like that, but that's not how life works. I don't have my Manhattan apartment with my five closest friends; I don't have the successful career, the multitude of men, the limo that picks me up to take me to the club. And I may never have either of those, and isn't that damn scary?

I'm graduating with my MA in five months. In fact, commencement is just 117 days away. Insane. And yes, I have another three weeks after that to complete my Comprehensive Exam and my Orals Thesis project, but still. What?

Where am I going? It's frightening to think that I'm going to be moving somewhere where I may not know anybody - again. Wasn't doing that in undergrad and grad school bad enough?  Not to mention the fact that I don't know where I'm going or what I'm doing. No clue. I've been firing off Cover Letters and Resumes, I've been in meetings and interviews and meeting with people about potential interviews, but nothing is definite. Nothing is certain. And I realize I might never have that group of friends that will just go cavorting in Central Park with me, or that I can sit around with sharing martinis and margaritas every night, or who I can meet for a quick afternoon lunch at Starbucks on 8th Ave.

To me, the scariest thing in life right now is being alone through any of this. And I realize I'm not alone, but my best friends are currently in Westport, San Francisco, and Harrisburg. And I'm in Philly, so I rarely get to see any of them. (In fact, the last time I saw one of them was Christmas 2011.) And that hurts me just a little bit. I have made a ton of friends while in grad school, but they can't compare, in all honesty. But I am simultaneously terrified and excited by the prospect of being alone, an unknown in a new place. The ideas of anonymity and obscurity both turn me on and make me nauseous. Because - who am I?

And I think that's what this blog is for. To discover who I am and what I really want from life.

And to find my happy ending through this crazy theatre life.